Sunday, January 2, 2011

Consider Crazy

Okay. I am not sure how to put this into words. I am not sure anyone but me will understand just what I am trying to say but here goes.
Some time ago I was driving in my truck up the highway when I spotted a sign. A local gas station had a sign congratulating a man and woman on their anniversary. I was only slightly disturbed by the sign. If I had been in a larger city the sign could have been referring to anyone but in this small town I am almost sure I know the people the sign was so proudly congratulating.
If anyone out there is actually reading this I would like to ask a question. What is the limit on crazy here? I am a parent of a deceased child. I see a happy anniversary sign congratulating the woman who happens to be on trial for the murder of my son.
I have to be honest I for a split second did think about returning to the station, without any passengers in my vehicle, to ram into the sign. Now, obviously I did not and would not do such a thing. I did, however, think about it for just a split second.
I also have to say if I should ever see on the news where another parent in the exact same situation actually does crash into a sign. I would not consider the person crazy. I can totally sympathize. Unfortunately, my opinion on crazy doesn't change the repercussions one would receive from such an irrational act. The only socially acceptable action in this scenario would be to cry.
I couldn't go change the sign simply because it was too high up in the air. If it were on the ground I would have considered at the very least rearranging the letters. I couldn't and wouldn't ever cause any actual physical damage. I could have pledged to boycott the station but honestly if I had I would someday forget. So the only option left was to cry. The thing is I don't want to cry. What I find most upsetting is the only rational reaction is really no reaction at all.
I can't cry every time I see someone or something offensive. I can't cry every time the newspaper prints prayer requests for this woman and her family. I still have to go to the grocery store, I have to get gas, and I have to testify in court regardless of who this woman's friends and family are. These people don't deserve my irrationality. They don't deserve the satisfaction of my tears.
A woman is awaiting trial for the murder of my infant son. She is cozy in her home with her family. She is being supported by her friends. She is receiving prayers from her church members. Good for her. Happy whatever. My son is buried. Sam should be warm at home not in a casket in the cold hard ground. Call me crazy. Call me irrational but this woman does not deserve to know my grief and she certainly does not deserve my tears.
So what is the limit on crazy? I'm not sure what the socially acceptable limit for crazy is when your innocent son dies at the age of 3 months. All I know is I have to attempt to act as rationally as I possibly can. So call me crazy call me whatever.


* Update 1-20-11 This is one of my most read posts. Crazy Huh?

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Hannah, I have no words. Reading this brought a tear to my eye. I cannot possibly imagine what you're going through. But, do know, she isn't the only one who has people praying for her. I don't what I would have done in your situation seeing that sign. You're not crazy, by any means (even if you would've rammed it)lol. My prayers & thoughts are always with you all. Turns I did have words :)

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  2. My thoughts and prayers are always with you and Billy. I can't imagine the suffering of your loss that you have to deal with each day.

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  3. Hannah, I also have no words other than I am SO very sorry. Crazy is by far the word I would use to describe this. Any human in your shoes would feel the EXACT same way, (and some probably would've rammed that sign:) My prayers are with you & Billy, & the rest of your family. I'm a Christian but, I have 0 sympathy for the woman going on trial for taking baby Sam from you all! And someday, she WILL have to reap what she has sewn. My prayers & thoughts will be with you & your family. God Bless. Suzi

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