When I started this blog I promised myself I would not use it to talk about death, trials, criminal charges, or child care laws. I wanted to take my mind off of the upcoming trial; which has since been rescheduled for this summer. I wanted something positive that did not have anything to do with me talking about the death of my son William Samuel. I only wanted to think about the good things in my life, the happy things in my life. I promised myself I was going to start something I had absolutely no reason to ever get sad about.
I broke my promise before I ever really even began. This computer I am typing on right now is sitting in the room which used to be Sam's nursery. The crib, dresser, clothes, and toys have all been removed. I put up a few pictures of him, some framed mementos from his funeral, and a cross on the wall. We now refer to this room as the computer room. I have filled it full with all sorts of junk but it still feels like his room. It is hard to not think about the child I lost when I am sitting in his room.
There are so many days where I have avoided talking about him at all. Sometimes it is just easier not to think. Not to talk. But then again there are times when I can't stop talking about him. There are times when I want to tell the world about him. My little baby boy who we welcomed into the world for such a short time. My little Sam who lost his life. Those times where I want to tell every person just how awful it was to not know how he died. How terrible it was to have to wait for the autopsy reports to come back. How awful it is to have to wait for a murder trial.
Then there are the times when I completely break down. My husband is always there to pick up the pieces. I can't explain how hard it is to not want to forget a person but still not want to think about their absence. I can't explain how hard it is to lose a child. I wish I could. I wish I had some kind of magical sensationalism that could reach the masses but sadly I do not.
Sadly, all I have is this broken promise to myself. One day I might be able to start something without feeling the need to tell the world about the son I lost. I doubt the day will ever come but until then I am going to continue on with my passive-aggressive behavior. I am going to talk whenever I choose. I am going to stay silent whenever I choose. And I am going to break down whenever it happens.