Loneliness

I remember now
How you left
While all alone
I wept
I remember the
Inconsistencies
I remember
The lies
I remember
I remember
Oh yes I do
I remember now
All alone I was
Where was you

I don't now know
Why I'd forget
For then I was
So upset
You lied
You lied
You lied
You did
And now
You say
You won't again
Only now
I think
I wasn't wrong
Although
Although
I'm still not gone
I'm here
I'm here
Where is this control
Where did this start
Oh where
Do you know

If for me to remember
Causes a rift in the plans
I am not sure
Who started these
Memory commands
Tell me I'm wrong
When I know that
I'm not
Tell me I'm wrong
Tell me I'm weary
Make me think
I don't know
Anything clearly

I remember how
I felt all alone
How you
Swore and swore
You never left home

And know
I'm only
Supposed
To trust
Never to wonder
Never to speak
Never to say
Oh never
To remember
To keep sorrow away

Control

Lotion
Lotion
I think
This is
Your
Potion
I think
These
Words
Are
All
Commotion
Closed one
Bring those
Hon?
Lotion
Lotion
What
Key word
Is this?
Like
The
Dish Soap
Is some
Kind of vote
Only hope
I don't know
Cause
You don't
Want me
To go

To go where?
Why do you even care
Why do I always stare
Then you say BEWARE
Tell me -- again
Not to go there
Please
Deny me
My needs
Use another
Key word
To get me
On my knees

Make a list
Make a list
All about
The bliss
Fill me up
Drain my energy
Erase
All my memory
Then use
All my own word
Against me
As if you where
To kiss me

Resist
Resist
Do you call
This Bliss?
Lotion
Lotion
A one word
A one word
A one word
A one word

Control

Riddle

I laugh
I cry
I wonder
I weep
All alone
At night
Without you
I sleep

They look
They stare
They wonder
They speak
Everyone wants
To know
Something
I don't
Everyone thinks
I know
Something
I don't

They think
They know
They whisper
They speak
They chip
Away --
They do
Make me
Weak --

The stars
They even
Stare back
At me
As if
They don't
Think I
See --

Only know
I think
They've been
Looking for
Blame --
Something
I can't
give
They should
Tell you
The same

If I knew
In a day
What you know
In a night
I'd answer
Your question
To make this
All right

Only know
I don't
Know
The word
Going round
I question
My thoughts
I question
All sound

When Oh When
Did this
Manipulation start?
Did this happen before?
Am I playing a part?

Are you watching
To trick me
To control
My despair
Are you watching
Me clearly
Because you all care?
I only wish
The answer
was this.

Happy Day After Mother's Day!

Yesterday was mother's day. I went to visit with my mother in law and sister in law at my sister in law's house in Annapolis, four generations of family. Grandma Young, Granny Gwen, Aunt Betsy, Dana and Me with Greg and Wyatt. Tracy's nephew Dylan was there and Brandon was also there with Tina and Farron. We had a great time.

Dana told me who had bought the urn for the top of Sam's grave. I told her Billy had said the reason we could not have a gravestone was because the burial plot was so close to the road. I was under the understanding we also could not have any kind of permanent fixtures near Sam's grave. So I hope the graveyard doesn't consider taking the urn down. I think it is a nice tribute. I even went yesterday to plant the Gerber daisies Dana had bought me for mother's day. I thought it was a nice place for them. It will give me a reason to go to see Sam's grave more often because I will have to water the flowers.

Yesterday, Billy also planted me a garden next to the house as a mother's day gift. I thought this was extremely thoughtful. Although, because he works nights he didn't spend much of mother's day with me, I was happy to have taken the boys to see his sister.

There was also another little baby there for a while. I think the baby was about four months old. He seemed little in comparison to Wyatt who is now almost eight months old. I didn't stay for long after the woman brought the baby over. I listened on while Aunt Betsy rambled on about her daughter-in-law and about when Anna was little. I don't even remember what she was saying. They were talking about foster children, and babies and all I could think about was my little Sam never lived to be four months old. He never lived to see mother's day. So, I went home. Then I went to the graveyard and I hope those flowers look nice on his grave. 

Tonight

Martha Stewart guest starred on Two Broke Girls tonight and I almost lost it. I was in complete awe. My jaw literally dropped and I may have even jumped up and down like a groupie. I don't think I have ever been so excited in all my life.

I caught the end of The Voice tonight. The very end. All I really know is someone sang 99 problems and my husband went singing the song around the house only he may have altered the wording somewhat.

I've been watching way too much television and right now I should be trying to emulate Martha Stewart... I've got a long ways to go.

News According To Me

Here's what I'm thinking of today.


News papers are something I've been buying and I am also still reading my news online. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been watching too much television. I keep watching terrible things happening on the news, wondering why bad things happen for no reason at all, and contemplating how the world works. I'm hoping for a little bit of happy to come about somewhere. Just a little.


'The Scream' just sold at auction for $120 million dollars. I know. If I had a hundred and twenty dollars lying around I'd totally buy it. I'm sorry. That was a damn lie. If I had a hundred and twenty million dollars I'd go visit one of the museums where the other two copies could be found. Although, I do have to say cheers to whomever bought 'The Scream'. It is a brilliant piece of art work. I bet when Munch was visiting his sister in the insane asylum he never thought the agony he expressed through the use of pastels would contribute so much to society. One man's expression of agony admired by many and priceless to some.

American Idol has gained more of my attention this year than ever before. I don't know what it is about the show, I just gravitate toward the television most every Wednesday and Thursday night. I think it is all the constructive criticism the judges provide. Where I used to hear Simon saying in his English accent something like "I'm sorry you are just not going to make it." I now hear the something of a little different tone. Of course, I am also excited to see how the contestants evolve. I mean come on. Who isn't watching each week wondering what will happen next.


Reading is on my list of stuff I should be doing. I picked up an old version of Hamlet. At least I thought it was Hamlet. It turns out to not be Hamlet at all. It is a literary criticism explaining the dynamics of what Shakespeare might have meant. I'll be trying to read it. I swear.

Thoughts for Today

I've been having one of those days where I feel like the universe has something against me. It's kind of like the movie Serendipity only in reverse. Okay, it's nothing like the movie Serendipity. Although, there is a common theme everything happens for a reason. Only, I have no clue what the reason is. All I know is the only things in life that are real are right in front of me. Anything else is way too confusing.